Cancer Chronicles with Cynthia Dano: Winter 2024
Setting Boundaries During Cancer (and the Holidays)
Happy Holidays! I love the holidays, but I start feeling stressed out by it all when merchants start pushing Christmas before Halloween. It's easy to get sucked into the chaos. That's when I pull out my trusty boundaries! The term "boundaries" gets thrown around often, but what does it mean? Boundaries is a clinical term in psychology that describes the guidelines between people or even with yourself. Another way to think about this would be rules or limits.
Healthy boundaries are essential in respectful and gratifying relationships, including those with yourself. The rules you set for yourself and others can shift during and after treatment. During cancer, we don’t have our usual energy level, tolerance, patience, or capacity to modulate feelings as we did before. That can be exacerbated by the stress of the holidays.
Maintaining strong relationships with caregivers, family members, friends, and colleagues often takes more thought than in the past as we learn to weigh our needs with the needs of others. Setting some limits can help. The most important rule is taking the best care of yourself in all circumstances.
Some common areas that need boundaries are information, advice, time, energy, and expectations.
Setting Boundaries: Things to consider and tips that may be helpful:
Share information selectively. Thinking about how much information you want to share with others is important early on. The answer varies depending on the person. Set your own rules about the information you want to share with others. You may want a loved one or caregiver to know details about your diagnosis or treatment. For work colleagues and more distant friends, it is often preferable to say less, and a general response about your well-being may help you conserve emotional energy. If someone presses you for details, it is perfectly OK to say: "I would rather not say more about this." Or "Im not comfortable discussing that in so much detail." You don't owe anyone any more than you want to share. Remember that, once said, you can't take it back. If you'd like people to keep certain details about your cancer quiet, ask them not to share that information with others. At a recent support group meeting, someone had a great tip: assign someone in your family or a close friend as the information gatekeeper. They can be tasked with passing on the right amount of information to the people or groups of people you have selected.
Developing the best possible relationship with your doctors and nurses is important. Remember that their role is not to be your close friend but to take the best possible care of you. Tell them enough about yourself so that they understand your priorities and goals. If your concerns are more related to family issues, spirituality, or finances, ask them for a referral to someone who can help; don't expect your doctor to have all the answers. Think about how you like to hear medical information or reports after scans. Then, have a conversation with your doctor to establish the routine that works best for you. Some people want results ASAP and are fine with a phone call, while others prefer to wait for the next appointment.
Tell people when a conversation becomes stressful. If someone starts describing a particularly dire cancer experience, for example, you can say, "I would rather not hear about that." Or "That is not helpful to me."
Have a mantra: If someone gives unsolicited advice, you can prepare a sentence. For example, you can say, "Thank you for your concern; if I'd like more information, I'll get back to you." Or "I appreciate your concern; that means a lot to me. Right now, I don't have the capacity to hear about …(new treatments, other doctors, or whatever it is). The more you practice your mantra response, the easier it will become.
It is important to preserve and protect your energy and time for the important parts of your life. If you want to go out in the evening, nap in the afternoon. Learn to politely say "No" to invitations or offers for social activities as you manage treatment-related fatigue. Choose activities that mean the most to you and skip the rest to save your physical strength. Limit what you take on. A good habit is to start with "No" when someone makes a request or extends an invitation. You may decide that you want to accept, but begin your thought process from the other perspective. Plan everything in pencil and accept invitations with the caveat that you may need to cancel at the last moment. Prioritize your usual tasks and consider what can be left undone or delegated to someone else.
Share your expectations before people visit. It's OK to set time limits or ask someone to wear a mask if they have been sick or you are in treatment. You are more prone to catch something at this time.
The holidays add another layer of pressure, so be sure to check on yourself regularly. If you feel your needs and others; expectations are out of balance, reset or reinforce boundaries. Remember that you matter a n d that self-care is not selfish, particularly when you're dealing with difficult health challenges. Putting yourself first can be a challenge, but now is the time to do so. Give yourself permission- guilt-free!
Setting and maintaining boundaries can be difficult, but it's often the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and can help you manage your physical, mental, and emotional health, reduce stress, and improve your overall quality of life.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday season and a healthy 2025!
cynthiadano@gmail.com
cynthiadano.com
*Some parts were compiled from many online sources.
